For the past few days I have been feeling down and really hard on myself. I have not liked what I have been doing, what I have been eating, what I have been saying and on and on and on. It suddenly occurred to me that it is not all of these things that are actually making me feel bad (ok, 4 jars of cheese dip probably did contribute a little), it was the voice in my head that keeps saying that I should not be doing these things. I should not watch 8 hours of TV. I should not eat the cheese dip. I should not miss a week of work. I should not ask others to help me and do my work. I should not sleep this late. I should not stay up this late. I should not cancel my meetings. I should not say yes to that. I should not say no to that. And so much more.
I have always known on the surface that I should myself too much. I have a known list in my head that I check myself around pretty regularly. What I did not know was that it is a should mask that I wear. It is a list of shoulds that look good to talk about out loud and share with others. Ones that make me look like I am doing the work, staying in the practice. And they are the ones that allow me to coach others around as well. I should myself. So I should others. Now I am stuck in "I should not should others." Wow, like how many people have I should shamed?
What could be possible if we lived in a shouldless world? So right now, I should not cook brownies at 10am and eat them for breakfast and lunch, but I do not give a shit anymore and I will give up the should and enjoy the fucking brownies. And I invite you to eat something you "should not" eat right now - go get it and enjoy it!