Owning a yoga studio is amazing. Three years in to this journey I am amazed at what has been created. The people I have met and the community that has been built. The amazing teachers that have come through my programs and I am in awe of where each and every one of them are right now and what they have created, what they are up to. The lives I have touched and the lives that have touched me. Each moment has truly been an inspiring experience for me and I have no regrets. And my attention is not on that. I know all of this to be true, but it is not what I am feeling right now, and I have been hiding how I feel.
It is hard. It is lonely. I doubt myself and think about quitting all the time. Yes, let me be honest, it is not all fun and games. It looks great from the outside, lots of happy smiling faces on Facebook and Instagram. Full classes all sweating together. What you do not see are the classes with 2-3 people. What you do not hear is the fear that I can keep it going. The tears that roll down my face when I am sitting in my office wondering why the fuck I gave up all the money and security that I had. When I am missing my husband. When I wake up some mornings and feel like I cannot crawl out of bed and do this one more day.
Moonshine turned 3 this week and I found myself feeling sad. Not full of joy and excitement and then I became very hard on myself for feeling this way. What is wrong with me? I cannot look like this or talk about this, what would others think? What kind of leader am I being? Bad yogi!!!!! And so our Open House rolled around and it was the least attended celebration since opening day. That is right, I am stuck in that. I feel sad, I feel scared and I feel like a failure. Yes, I as failure, which is why it seems so hard right now. You see, failing at something is completely different that feeling like a failure. I am taking this as who I am, owning it and I feel shame around it. I am taking it personally and I am making it mean something that I know it is not. And on the flip side I also feel scared in sharing this, but it is rooted deep in me and if I do not get it out it will swallow me until I retreat and run.
Right now my heart is full AND it hurts. I am grateful for all the support and though I do not want to hide anymore. I do not want to pretend. I want to say loudly and powerfully that it is not perfect and it is not working out as planned. And that I can have all these feelings at the same time. Sad and grateful. Love and fear. I want to say that it is ok to feel all of this at once and that they are not exclusive. That it is ok to not act or respond how you are "supposed to." To stop hiding, come out here and feel everything with everyone. It is less scary when we know that we all feel the same way and we are all in this life together. And that even though days like these come up, that I keep going. That I am clear in what I want to have happen and that I did not come this far to quit.