I lie here the night before the first day of FIT training, quit frankly in a very bad mood. I rushed to get out of the house, had a bad flying day and then made some poor choices for dinner. All the while complaining all day to my poor traveling partner. I have been unpleasant to be around and it has crossed my mind to just go home several times today. I've said I am just in a bad mood. That I just didn't travel well. That I needed to vent. All of this true and all of it bullshit excuses.
What I am is scared. And when fear creeps up, I get "cranky" (as my husband tells me). I've been cranky for several days leading up to this trip and training. Not at all excited. Again- fear! The fear of what is their left to discover? What deep darkness have I not explored yet? Am I willing to go that far down the rabbit hole, and in front of 90 people?
Here is the thing, I am in that rabbit hole now. Have been there, looking out and thinking I am looking in the entire time. This darkness in me to uncover is me coming out of the hole, not diving deeper. After all that I have done and accomplished, the real fear is what is next? What is possible when I truly open up and go BIG! My fear is not of failure so much as it is of tremendous success- it is in that moment that I then must stop and acknowledge myself, actually give myself some credit and say you are amazing.