If I had to describe the yoga class I taught last night, the list would go like this: messy, confusing, wrong, inconsistent, distracting, too personal, scary. You see, yesterday I got a dose of reality from my coach and as I like to call it I got my ass smacked a few times and my shit handed to me with no pretty bow on top. This left me feeling angry at first and then once I dug deeper, SHAME is what really came up. Then I did exactly what I always do, what we had just finished talking about. I got hooked into the "bad story/list" and it goes like this: rejection + not enough + taking in personally = fear and shut down= run and hide AND/OR dictator and ruler (which occurs when the hiding does not work). After this coaching session the fear set in big time. I totally took it personally and felt the "I am not enough" set in. I then wanted to shut down and tried to hide, this looked like me trying to find someone to teach my classes so I did not have to see people. Finally, I moved into dictator position when I made a small thing very significant. And just like that, I was hooked and my words became my reality.
And then I taught. And shared. I told my class all about my bad list and my shame. I talked about how I saw myself in the moment and it was not who they all thought I was. I shared excessively and could hear myself saying "just shut up already." But I could not stop, it was just pouring out of me. We laughed, I cried, a few eyes rolled and I did not give a shit. Over the course of a couple hours I created myself as my "good list". My list of core values. The things that mean the most to me. The list that I was asked to put my attention on and do work around. The list I ignored up until I shared. This is who I really am: present, in flow, calm, enthusiastic, joyful, and for others.
Everyday you get to decide how you will show up. What you will focus on. How you will interact with others. We all know who we are, what our values are and how we want to be and we still keep putting the "bad list" on every morning. Today, share that list with someone so that you can shed it and let the bullshit wash away. Create yourself as all the wonderful things that you truly are.