I used to think that if I really saw what was happening in my life, if I really felt what was happening, I would not survive. Like really survive. This was what it was like to live in a "reaction body". A body that walks around like a little bomb, just waiting to implode so that it can explode. The trigger was sensitive and it could be as simple as the check out lady at the grocery store who could set it off. It is like being one step behind life; life occurs and then the reaction occurs. You clean up the mess, or you don't, and then rinse and repeat all over again. It was necessary, a survival tool, since the reaction body allowed me to NOT see and to NOT feel, it kept me "alive".
This of course is just a story, a chosen way to live. It is an easy way to live as life like this was never my fault. It was always another person's fault and I had all the logical reasons as to why. And this was great, as it gave me endless conversation pieces so that I did not have to actually talk about my feelings, but what other people "did". It was my personal made up reality, but not what as actually real. I now know, that you can feel it all and you can see it all and you will survive. If you allow it to happen, you will discover new possibilities and paths when you see and feel it all. Blocking the feelings and filtering our lives is just an excuse to not live it. It is a war we wage with ourselves, the war against reality. We fight so hard to ignore, justify or change our feelings, when the only thing there is to do is nothing, just feel them. Feel them so that you can see them, without prejudice.
You have the choice, you really do. You can see and feel it all and survive, or you can keep going as you are, in reaction to the world around you. What I have learned, is that when I step away from the reaction body and into reality, life exists and I get to walk among it, not behind it waiting for something to happen.