About a month ago I wrote “the WAKE UP call” and it was around listening to your body. In that moment, taking a day or two of rest after no making it through a full practice seemed like the right step. I was giving myself a pat on the head for taking a couple of days off. For modifying practice when needed. What I have now found out was that I as not really listening, I was resisting. I was making rules and decisions based on what I thought was best and different from what I was doing. It was so clear to me that I was just exhausted and in need of a little rest. I now know that it was just the smoke and fog of me not wanting to take a harder look at the bigger picture of my health and seeing what was in front of me all this time. Something was really wrong!
I landed in the ER last Friday night. I left the ER with the whats wrong - Leukemia!
For the past 3 days I have been selectively talking about it. Keeping conversations really short. Avoiding calling people back who know and who want to check in on me. And most definitely avoiding journaling and blogging. I have so much fear around once everyone knows, then everyone will see me differently. Even thought the biggest gift of this disease so far is that I clearly see everything differently.
Yes, I am sad, I am frustrated and mostly I am confused. And I am also clear. I feel lighter, not heavier. I see what is important and the real gift is that I see all the bullshit that does not matter. I have taken more than a dozen worries off my plate. I have felt love and connection in a new way that I did not know was possible. Time has slowed down and busy is out the door. I have gratitude for everything.
Mostly I have gratitude for this yoga practice. This work has prepared me for all of this. And yes I am ready now for what is to come. I do not feel helpless or hopeless, I feel empowered. I am sick and I see possibility. I have work to do in this world and this disease will be something I stand on to make it happen, not something that will hold me back. I will do what I need to do to take care of myself, and though it will not become an excuse for me. This is not about being strong or weak, it is about being true. It is about being awake and alive, not matter what that looks like each day. It is about a new role in my life, not a new identity. I simply have cancer, I am not cancer. I am me.